Failed.

I failed Blogtember epicly, University has started again and I'm in my final year terrified that I'm failing before it's even begun, My Dads been ill but things are finally looking up, I'm in my new flat and I've just transferred stores with work so I'm in Liverpool full time now which makes me sad because I worked with some of the best people.
I think I've always had a different mindset to those my age, I joke it off but I've found it to be a hindrance over the years. I over think every little detail, I worry about everything and stress to point of giving up. It truly makes me hate myself at times, but recently I've found them worries to be getting worse. I get myself into these states and cycles of bad where my body feels like the negative end of the battery that just has no charge. I used to get so excited at the thought of growing up and starting life, I think all the illusions we're given over the years has worn off and I feel life has no appeal. I've settled. My dreams were so big and now I don't know what to feel or even dream anymore. I just take on the day as it comes in hope that one day I'll land on my feet, does anybody else feel like this? I swear I'm having a pre-mid life crisis, my brain hurts 24/7 and not in a good way.

I've always had low confidence and self esteem, I'm constantly at war with myself and coupled with general life not going the way I always imagined it would, I'm just oh so bored. If 8 year old me was to see 20 year old me would she be satisfied with how things are going? I doubt it. I'm an awkward unattractive, chubby almost 21 year old. I feel like everybody is two steps ahead of me whether it be they've found the love of their life or they know exactly what they want and how they're going to achieve it. I just want too many changes but I can't bring myself to make it any.

This has been a mis-matched emotional-ish kinda post, I apologise. I will try and post more often again now I promise.
Chels
xo

4 comments:

  1. I appreciate what you're going through. Try to take a step back and look at what you have achieved. Youre at uni and you've survived the first two years which is really difficult. I've just finished uni (I'm unsure how) and I still don't know what to do. If you want to make changes it has to be when you're ready so don't worry about it. I worry all the time about everything and sometimes I just need someone to point out what I've actually done well instead of what I think I've done wrong. Keep your chin up, your blog is great!

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  2. I know how you feel, I'm in my last year too and feeling the EXACT same way! Blogtember is keeping me busy busy buys and I try hard to do both though I know they both end up suffering. I try not to pressure myself, bloggging is supposed to be fun after all.

    Besides, no need to count it as a fail, you can always pop back in whenever you feel like adding a post i bet :)

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  3. Also, no need to apologize. I'm 27 and often feel that way. I try to remind myself that this is not end game. Dream chasing is a journey and sometimes it feels like we're not moving when we are...

    Hope you feel better!

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  4. My favorite quote is "This too shall pass". Everybody goes through something very tough in their lives. Keep fighting :)

    http://www.madelinefedmont.com/deal-disappointments-setbacks-regrets/

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