I've always struggled with my weight and general body image and I don't think there's ever been a time when I've been happy with how I look. I've never been the pretty friend or the slim friend and there hasn't been a point where I was a good weight. I am my own worst enemy I beat myself up about it constantly then revert to food to drown my sorrows.

I get so on track and then come to a halt and I hate myself. Now I know what you're thinking 'you don't hate yourself' but I do. I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I'm not massive deep down I know but on the surface and through my eyes I'm appalling. Of course I have the days when I think yeah you look okay today, then someone snaps a picture of you and immediately retract the statement. I think dieting makes me feel worse about myself as the flaws become more apparent the odd pound you lose as it reveals more insecurities. 

I've spent countless hours watching self motivational videos on how you should love yourself because you're YOU at the end of the day and I take it in and I accept it but never to a full extent. I'm going to me for the rest of my life and I will look like me for the rest of my life but I just haven't accepted them flaws yet. I'm going to list the things I hate about my body and maybe I'll look back on my 20 year old self and think I was stupid

- My round face
- My big forehead
- My eyelids (weird thing to dislike I know)
- My ball typed nose
- The way my chin balls up at end
- My triple double chins
- My stomach (#1)
- The way my back sticks out just a little at the top
- My non-existing shape (unless plank is the new pear)
- My flat chest
- Everything PCOS gives me
- My fat fingers
- My huge backside that makes me feel bigger 9 times out of 10
- My thighs

What if there comes a point where I don't accept these flaws? and I continue to live my socially awkward life avoiding humans whenever possible. I mean I don't even like cats so the cat option is totally out the window. Sometimes I think it's okay to have these problems with my body as it gives me the determination to change but then one wrong move or nasty little comment and you're back to snacking and getting more fed up. I do sometimes think if it's just more than me feeling down but the world doesn't understand these problems so who are you supposed to tell?

I've always been one of them people who would rather give advice than ask for it, I'm good at hiding my problems and honestly if I had one wish, it wouldn't to be beautiful or skinny it'd just be to accept myself because until then I do think I hold myself back. But if I don't love me, who will?

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