cycles of bad

I've been at what they call a 'low' point recently, I go through these cycles of being okay and then straight to hating life. Hahahaha life. The word that stands for something that has so much potential and failure and power. I feel like I'm gonna one of those people that never truly find themselves or finds their passion in life and I'll be stuck doing something that makes me constantly sad. I've been in such a constant state of wanderlust lately and I want nothing more than having money in my bank, a backpack on my bag and a plane ticket to anywhere in my hand. I think it's a shame if we go through life never experience what the world has to offer, experience those different cultures and just live in that moment that would never be forgotten. 

I think choosing the path of Education for me was one of my biggest mistakes or even choosing to study Media. Don't get me wrong I've made some lovely friends, gotten closer to ones I had and made some things I am proud of but the price and the course itself is way overvalued; each day I'm there I list the places I'd rather be. I think certain jobs don't need a piece of paper to prove you can do it and Media is one of those, it's about the people you know, the skills you pick up yourself and the experience you have. Not one thing I have learnt in the past two years gives me confidence that I feel will set me up as a successful worker in the media industry. I know longer want to pursue the dream I've had for 6 years, so what do I now?

I'm an over thinker, I always have been and I always will be. People tell me they can see me constantly thinking but I can't change my ways. I get myself in such a rut that I can't break out of and the same bad thoughts replay over and over in my head. (I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm not going to get anywhere, I'm alone and blah blah blah) Sometimes I feel like I'm over exaggerating and that telling people makes me seem needy but I don't know how to cope with these thoughts how do I change what I'm thinking? Positivity doesn't work, I've changed my lifestyle and will hopefully be at the weight seen acceptable nowadays but I can't make myself attractive? I can't change my awkward personality. I persevere. But all I do know is that one day I need to leave this place. For a month, 6 months, a year. I need the world and the world needs to meet me. I think we all deserve a little wanderlust.

chels xo

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